I've had an eating disorder for so many years since 9th grade now in 12. I want to stop this disorder but I don't know how to. I do want to quit but at the same time I don't. I feel like I'm in control of the eating than anything else. I feel it's the only control I have. I have cystic fibrosis also. So my weight is good as it can be with this disease. I'm now 88 I feel fatter than ever before. I feel way better if I was under 80 is the thing. When I gain people come up to me asking if I'm pregnant which makes me want to lose more weight. People bugging me like touching my stomach saying I have a stomach which makes me feel fatter than I already feel and people grabbing my waist to feel if I have meat. Every time they do that I hate myself for gaining weight and yet when I lose weight and I cant fit into my pants I get mad at myself for it. I want help but i don't want it.

I can't explain it. I'm scared to lose my control of something i do have control over with. People don't understand they think its faze I'm going through if its a phase then why am i still in this situation after all these years of having it? I got worse after my best friend died in July whom had the same thing as me. Since then it was like I don't want to die yet I do. I want to just to be we with him and I don't because i want to be down here with my friends and family. And having an eating disorder is a slower way to die.

Thanks for reaching out.

Most women I know have struggled with body image issues -- even if they aren't willing to admit it. We all think our bodies look differently than they do. What has helped me and others is to have a outlet to discuss this with other women and to realize that while I might envy someone else's legs, they hate them and they idolize my stomach -- or something like that.

We love in others what we hate in ourselves, but it usually turns out that they hate that very thing. In terms of worrying about loosing control, there are other ways to control your eating without starving yourself -- it's important to experience weight as a physical thing, too.

Our bodies each have different thresholds and they are capable of different things. It's almost not fair to compare to others, though that's an impossible thing to ask of others, to not compare ourselves. It's better to think about what we uniquely need and what our bodies are uniquely capable.

The reason people probably think you are pregnant doesn't mean that they think you are "fat" but that your body is growing in a specific way - a way that probably isn't natural. It's not a comment about weight, but about body image. Also, I know this won't sound realistic to you, but 88 is very small and not normal -- it's really not about looking thin, but about looking healthy. And I'm pretty certain that you can do that at around 100 pounds.

I hope that you can get to the place that most people I know are at -- we still hate things about our bodies, but we just grow into them and learn to live with them as status quo. And honestly when you are at this place, more people will comment favorable on your looks than ever before, because looks are a mental thing -- how you feel is how you look. I hope that's clear.

Take care,

— Amy