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My name is Kristina.

I have a 14 year old sister who seems to be going through a very rough, not normal, time of young teenage development. She turned 14 a week ago and yesterday she was having cramps so my mom took her to the emergency room and she was having a miscarriage. We just found out that she was sexually active and up until she met her recent boyfriend a couple of months ago she liked girls.

She dresses gothic and has a very sad and mysterious look in her eyes.

My mother and I are extremely worried about her future and well-being. And my mom doesn't know what to do because she cusses and acts like she rules the world. Neither of us can seem to get through to her and we don't want to pressure her so much that she shuts us out. If there is any advice that could possibly help us get her out of this trouble we would greatly appreciate it



Your sister's behavior actually seems somewhat consistent with what I see -- mostly just that she seems to be trying on different identities and pushing boundaries. I meet tons of teens who go through this and luckily most of them eventually land somewhere or in some identity that is fitting and less dangerous. The bisexuality is pretty common, at least the trying out relationships with both genders and for most people one eventually sticks. The sex is also not uncommon -- I think that the feeling of immortality and invincibility are common for this age and sex is part of that.

The main thing that I would be worried about is if she doesn't have anyone to talk to or trust -- you don't want her to retreat so far into herself that she has no perspective or escape. Isolation and also challenging adult relationships seems pretty much a part of being a teenager, but what I have seen makes the difference between those who get through it and those who self-destruct, is having someone, anyone as an outlet -- to help give you perspective in a non-judgmental format. I'm not sure what your relationship is, but siblings can certainly be that person.

Good luck -- and I would just recommend that you listen without judging and hopefully earn her trust

- Amy