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Hi Amy,

Nearly two years ago I found out that my husband of 11 years (at the time) had been viewing violent/rape/incest oriented pornography. He knew well my lack of tolerance of all forms of pornography and my feelings toward violence and victimization of women and children.

I'd always suspected that he was sexually abused as a child and through limited counseling after discovering the pornography, it was confirmed to me by our counselor, although I don't know the full details. It's been a very difficult two years as I'm unable to get the images out of my mind, or understand why or how a nice/gentle/supportive man can look at that sort of pornography.

I need a resource that can provide information on the connection of sexual abuse of men and violent/rape/incest oriented pornography and ways that a feminist wife can live happily after discovering something like this.

Best regards,




I recommend you reference the work of Diana Russell and Catherine MacKinnon. Both have made some of these connections, linking pornography and sexual abuse, and also pornography with potential violent behavior. Also, Judith Herman has done extensive research on incest and child sexual abuse, which might be helpful, especially for approaching it from the "cause" or "root".

It would certainly make sense given that the pattern for most men who are sexually abused, they repeat that violent behavior because it's what feels familiar, maybe not directly the abuse, but dominant or controlling situations. I'm sorry that you had to experience that, but certainly glad that you didn't tolerate it and are on the healing side of things.


-- Amy