Hi, my name is Kristi and I have been exploring your web site. I am just wondering if you have any advice on how to get on with your life. I was raped by my boyfriend seven years ago. He not only took my virginity but he also took away my ability to enjoy a sexual relationship. My current boyfriend is very understanding about the whole situation. He has helped me to enjoy a sexual relationship with him, but he has asked me on several occasions to be more aggressive. I find that very hard to do because of the rape. He tries to understand, but it is very hard for him. He doesn't understand that it is hard to let go of certain feelings that evolve because of being raped. The good thing is that I am trying to explore my sexual side. I really do want be more aggressive and expressive when I am making love with my boyfriend. Is there any advice that you can give me? I really want to learn to enjoy a normal sex life!!!

I wish that you could read all of the emails I get at FEMINIST.COM that are from women who have experienced things similar to you. The reason I wish you could read them is so you could be confirmed in how far along you are in your healing process. That gives me hope that you will be able to fully tap your "sexual side." It sounds like you have all the right elements--the will and desire to try and a supportive and seemingly understanding boyfriend who can help you during this process. As you know--and he seems to, too--you can't do something that you don't want to. If you become more agressive sooner than you want to, than you could likely take more steps back then forward. You might have to further revisit the pain caused to you seven years ago. I say this as encouragement for you to not do something that you aren't ready for. There are certainly ways to be sexually satisfied without aggression. Most of this involves just listening to what your body is telling you--thereby tapping into natural "expressions" rather than those based on the movies' version of expression. As for being able to eventually move forward without any reservations, in most instances this invovles first painfully revisiting the incidence in the first place. Some times this involves extensive therapy, and some times it involves just talking about it with others--and thereby knowing that it was in the past.

As I said in the beginning, I have faith that you are on the right path. I'm sorry that I can't make all of your troubles go away--if I could, I certainly would. I hope this helps, but please feel free to write again if you want to and/or if you want me to point you in the direction of specific resources.

—Amy